Thursday, December 10, 2009

Is 50-50 custody a good choice in the long run?


What follows is a reprint of an interesting article by Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW. I hope that you find it as thought provoking as I did.

As soon as the argument over the kids becomes about the 50/50 residential care arrangement, the writing is on the wall that at least one of the parents has lost sight of the best interest of their children.

These kind of fights tend to take on epic proportion and the next issue to be determined becomes who can baby-sit when one or other parent is unavailable because typically neither parent can be available 100% of their 50% of the time with whatever schedule is determined.

Thus these kids grow up in a situation of constant conflict and animosity between the parents. To understand the effect of this, think of your child as a bucket of white paint, clean and pure. Think of the parental conflict as black paint. With every parental fight, a drop of the black paint falls into the bucket of white paint. Try removing the black paint once mixed in. Impossible.

Over time, as more drops of black paint are added, your child, who was once pure like the white bucket of paint, becomes grayed with the luster removed.

When constructing parenting plans, the parental goal must be on a meaningful relationship with their children while being mindful of the demands of work-life and any other time constraints. By developing a parenting plan that is in this sense more rationale, the conflict is removed and the child is spared the discolouration from the tortuous ongoing drops of conflict.

Children who grow up between their parents’ animosity and conflict live for the day when they can leave home to escape the constant dropping of black paint into their lives. They grow weary and angry with their parents and will naturally seek to ultimately get away from them both. Hence a parent may win the 50/50 battle of time with their child, but lose the lifetime relationship when their child becomes an adult in their own right. Your child’s time on earth will be spent more as an adult than as a child. As you lament not having enough time with your son or daughter as a child, think how this can be worsened by losing your time with them as an adult, not to mention your time with your potential grandchildren.

The key here then is not to fight for 50/50 time with the kids, but the kind of sharing of care that allows for a meaningful relationship with the kids. This kind of meaningfulness is measured by supporting school and extra-curricular activities, attending important functions of the child and having some recreational activity time for the mere fun of being together. Meaningful to the child also means freedom from parental conflict and animosity.

The best you can wish for is a 100% relationship with your children with whatever time is available. Any time put towards fighting and you are undermining what you already have.

Concentrate on what you’ve got and the future takes care of itself.

Reprinted by permission of:
Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW
Interaction Consultants and I Promise Program Inc.
20 Suter Crescent,
Dundas, Ontario, Canada L9H 6R5
www.yoursocialworker.com

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Who decides on the flu vaccine for a minor child?

The Associated Press reports that an estranged New Jersey couple asked a family court on November 30, 2009 to settle a dispute over whether their school-aged child will be administered the H1N1 Flu vaccine. The parents have joint legal custody which means that they must mutually agree on any non-emergency medical care for their minor child.

In North Carolina when parents who have joint legal custody are unable to reach mutual agreement about non-emergency medical treatment for a minor child the parents must also seek relief from the Court. Ultimately, the Court will have to decide how to modify the parents' legal custody. In some instances, the Court may award sole legal custody to one of the parents. other times, the Court may decide to enter an order specifying "demarcated custody". With demarcated custody, one parent may be assigned the responsibility for making medical decisions while the other parent may be assigned decision-making authority regarding some other aspect of the child's life, for example, the choice of extra-curricular activities.